A guy thing

[Goofy]

A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my

interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a

little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were

supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I

loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and

pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc

of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on

the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I

sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)

while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to

try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit, I thought

about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.

She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife

to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it

would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and

taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock

and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause

muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst

would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,

less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with

two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

side as to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one second burst from

such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give

myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my

naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up

in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and

over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,

with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles

nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had

never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the

fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all

over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note

of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap

yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by

a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be

considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed

the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the

fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it

originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My

face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88

lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my

sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I

believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering

a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,

and now regularly threatens me with it!