Goofy

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.' Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked. They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?' He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man.

http://www.heroesandgenerals.com/4/en/index.html

An older guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy obeys and says, "99". The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'." The doctor said, Very good?. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy begins, "One... two three" You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing!

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that day. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son ." The robot slaps the mother. End of Story P.S. ROBOT For Sale

dang wish I was a gun totting american so I can move to Austin Texas for this http://www.maximumpc.com/article/news/rumor_google_fiber_expanding_austin_texas123

Happy belated birthday OLDDDDDDDDDD Man

are you shitting me Z? that is sooo funny LOL

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the "Coolest Headstone" contest. FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?' Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?' 'Mick phoned .... . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

ok coming up with title for this stumped me even though I had some good ideas, actually im not typing my mind is doing all the work, no hands involved at all. http://www.tmz.com/2013/02/21/jaiya-sexologist-orgasm-tmz-tv/

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY ARE SOON PARTED?????????? REMEMBER THE 3 F

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror . On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

http://www.theglobea...article7409256/

SARGEEEEEEEEEEE you numnut

i'm tired of idiots like these, don't they have anything better to do thing to disgrace the tragic events like sandyhook

A Canadian Smile... A Saskatchewan farmer and his wife, on their way back home in January, are at an airport in Arizona awaiting their flight. They were dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens

http://kotaku.com/5919160/one-shot-one-kill-no-skill-why-a-regular-gamer-started-paying-to-cheat-at-video-games

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Canadian Rockies, were a fellow from Alberta, a fellow from Quebec, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the fellow from Quebec has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.. The little old Greek lady thinks: The fellow from Quebec must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek. The blonde girl thinks: That fellow from Quebec must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek. The fellow from Quebec thinks: That fellow from Alberta must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead. The fellow from Alberta thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that fucker from Quebec again.

this is no way a good way to ban ppl, the person even says if he doesn't like someone he can put him on his metaban list and those that follow him would automatically ban that person as well.

no offense to the women A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one gallon of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. "A short time later the husband comes back with 6 gallons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 gallons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados." If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.

I bow to our Google Masters

http://www.maximumpc..._shenanigans234

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.